sobbing むせび泣き

I decided to reduce the number of breastfeeding. I explained Nanoka to have breastmilk before sleeping but not during the night since she was not a baby anymore.ナノカも、かなり理解力が出てきたので、おっぱいについても、きちんと説明する事にした。「ねんねのために、おっぱい飲むの、辞めようね。もう赤ちゃんじゃないし、お昼寝でもできてるから、ナノカ、大丈夫だからね」
Then I gave her breastfeeding, brushed her teeth, and read books as much as she wanted and put the light down and told her story,,,it took nearly hour to let her sleep... そして、おっぱいを飲ませ、歯磨きをし、絵本を読みたがるだけ読んであげ、最後は暗くして、お話をしながら、トントンした。おっぱいなら一瞬なのに、寝かしつけに1時間かかった。
 In the middle of the night, she woke up and asked me breastmilk. I said that we promised before sleep. Nanoka gave up, and just touched nipples and started to pinch to try fall asleep.夜中に目を覚まし、おっぱい、と言う。「約束したよね。おっぱいなしでも、がんばれるよ」と言うと、飲むのはあきらめて、おっぱいを触って、落ち着こうとして、もみ始めた。それで眠れるなら、とさせていたが、、、
She kept doing that for hour but she could not sleep...then she started sobbing...I expected that babies cried for milk in a panic, but actually I felt more sorry by her sobbing and gave up stopping. At the end, I gave breastfeeding at that night.1時間経っても、眠れなかったようで、最後は、「しくしく」と泣き始めた。「ぎゃあ〜、おっぱい〜」とパニック泣きになるなるのでは、という覚悟はしてたが、むせび泣かれるとは、、、その日は、断念しました。
回数を減らしていく過程で、飲みたくて、ぐずぐず泣く事は、何度かあったが、それも乗り切ると、それから、昼間も飲まなくなった。もう1日半経つ。私は、全部辞めるつもりは、まだ、なかったんだけど、、、このまま、卒乳なのだろうか?心の準備をしていなかったので、寂しいけど、このまま、終わるようなら、それも、ナノカのためには、いいのかも、と思う。今日、お迎えに行って、家に帰って、飲まなかったら、多分、終わりなんだろうなあ。For a long time, Nanoka was a big fun of breast. Recently she asked me breastfeeding when I picked her up at the school and I ended up giving her at the corner of the hallway. She is almost two and it must be hard for her to have addicted to breastfeeding. I first decided to quit the breastfeeding during the night. She was old enough, so I explained "you are not baby, and you can sleep without breastfeeding."
On the way to reduce the number of breastfeeding, Nanoka sobbed or cried for half hour or hour, but after one night she went through it, she even did not ask for it during daytime-now it passed 1 and half day-so is she going to quit? I did not expect it, and felt sad, but if it goes, it should let it go. It is the best for Nanoka. After I pick her up today, if she does not have it, it will be really over.
(Actually she asked for it when picking up and had breastfeeding after going home. It still goes during day)


1 and 10 months 1歳10ヶ月

遠足。お友達に囲まれ、リラックスのナノカ。School day trip with parents on Saturday. Relaxed.
お迎えに行っても、すぐには帰ろうとしない日もある。この日は、みりあちゃんと、鏡を見て、二人で大笑い。何がおもしろいのかは、大人の目線ではわからないが、言葉が拙くても、子供同士だけで、ちゃんとコミュニケーションを取り合い、社会ができあがっている。When picking up, Nanoka did not go sometimes. This day, she enjoyed playing with mirror with Miria. They both spoke little, but they could communicate.
ボビーフィーッシャーを探して、を見て、少年同士の友情の姿に、感動。子供は、「良心」「思いやり」いろいろな感情を、小さな体に、宿していく。At the end of "Searching for the Bobby Fisher", there were two boys holding their shoulders cheering up. We were touched by the kid's development of friendship.
最近、保育園に迎えに行くと、ナノカが他の子供と、手をつないで、連れ立って、階段を上っていたり、 (私にはわからないツボで)笑ったりしてるのを見かける。保育園の連絡帳には、「お友達と、おしゃべりしながら、食事を楽しんでいます」と書いてあったが、子供同士で、何をしゃべりながら、食事をしているというのか、信じられない思いだった。2歳も間近なので、社会性が発達する時期なのかもしれないが、母親からすると、「眠い」「腹減った」「オムツ替えてくれ」のような、物理的欲求を声高々に、訴え続けるのみだった新生児が、ついには「自分だけの意志で、他の人とつき合い、社会でうまくやって行く」ことになったかと、びっくりして、涙さえ出てきてしまう。
Nanoka became 1 and 10 months.  2 month left before 2 years old. Last night, husband watched the movie"Searching for the Bobby Fisher", and at the end, two little boys walked away holding their shoulders each other and Josh cheered up a younger, weaker at chess boy that he would be better when he became older like him(they must be only 1-2 years different).
Recently I saw Nanoka holding hands with other kids in the school and inviting each other to climbed the stairs to the second floor, or doing some other play. Teacher told me that she was enjoying the chatter at the lunchtime with friend. I had no idea how she could chat even she could not speak well...But actually I could see they developed their society by their own communication way. It was amazing.
For mothers, who was taking care of Baby's fundamental desire, "food" "sleep" "excretion", it was just unbelievable but incredible to see that kids develop their own society-And surprisingly their first social development is "conscience" in many cases. Even they are small, they knew to be nice, sympathy, and kindness. To see it, I felt "human being is not bad" and even became hopeful.


Word Chain Game しりとり

In the car, I found husband sleepy and I asked him to do word game to avoid his falling asleep.運転中の相方が眠そうなので、慌てて、しりとりをする事にした。
ナノカも(普通にはまだ参加できないけど)混ぜてあげようと、「ナノカのわかる単語しりとりね」と決めた。ナノカが言えたら、オッケー、というルールだ。We decided to limit the word within what Nanoka knows. The rule: only the word Nanoka could repeat.
例えば「り」。「りんご」は反応がなかったが、「りす」は言った。In the case of Ri. Ringo(apple) she had no reaction. We did not eat it for a while and she forgot the word.Risu(squall) she repeated. So it is OK.
At husband's turn, it was Ru. There are limited number of words and all are unfamiliar to little kids. He thought for a while and gave up. I tested to say, "Ruby〜" and Nanoka repeated it since my way of saying was funny. Then it became the game to say the word funnier to let Nanoka say.相方の番で、「る」になった。黙って考え込む相方。ルーレットもルビーも、ナノカ、まだ知らないもんね〜。まもなく「降参」(わりとすぐ降参する)。代わりに私が、「ルビ〜」と言うと、勢いにつられてナノカが、「るび〜」と言った。おもしろくて言っちゃったのね。
運転手が眠くならないように、話し相手を務めるのは、同乗者のマナーの1個だろう。ナノカが生まれる前や、まだ新生児の頃、長距離運転の際に、たびたび、しりとりをして来た。大人がやっても、それほど、おもしろい物ではないけれど、眠気を押さえるのには、それなりに効果がある。ナノカも大きくなってきて、言葉も増えたので、少し、参加させてみた。知ってる言葉が並んで、楽しかったようだ。自分で「しりとり」ができるようになるまでには、まだ、ちょっとありそうだけど、一応、初しりとり体験、かな。Shiritori is Japanese word game. It is the game that people chain the words to pick the last letter. We did it to avoid falling asleep when driving long. Now Nanoka increased the number of the words and we let her join-of course it would take for a while till she really join the game, but she looked happy to be in.


Butterfly ちょうちょう

We read many books that butterfly appears before spring had come. 春が来るまでの間、チョウチョの出てくる絵本をたくさん読んだ。
We even did original pant mime of flower and butterfly. We were ready to meet real butterfly! オリジナル手遊びで盛り上がり、あとは、本物と出会うのを待つばかりである。
One spring day, we walked a path surrounded spring flowers. Nanoka ran to say, "Butterfly!" Finally?ある日、階段道を歩いていると、「ちょうちょ!」とナノカが飛び出した。とうとう、いた?
What I found that Nanoka pointed to was "Bee",,,She thought "it was it" since it flied around flowers. But can you hear the noise of Bzzzzz? ナノカの指さす先にいたのは、ハチ。お花の周りで飛んでるから、そう思ったのね、、、ブーンとか言ってるけど、本当にチョウチョウかな、ナノカさん?
Kids learned so many things from the book. There were too many unknown things in the world and they must have difficult time to wonder which thing outside should learn first. So they first see elephant in the book, "The elephant is big!" and then they felt familiar with it when they met it in other place. One by one, they increased number of what they know. Viva, picture book!(and their authors!)


Concept of Numbers 数の概念

Nanoka pointed numbers(any numbers) on timetable and said,"one" She understood there were numbers in the world, but it was all "one" at the beginning. ナノカはバス停の時刻表の数字を指さして、「1、1、1」と、訳知り顔に言う(大人が時刻表を真剣に見ているのを見て、それが、かっこいいことだと思ったようだ)数字というものの存在はわかるようだが、1しか存在してないようだ。
She exercised saying "one, two" as grandma taught her, but this,"one, two" is not number for her and never used it to count. ばばに習ったストレッチを「1、2、1、2」と言って、熱心にやっているが、その1とか2は数じゃないようで、数える時には、応用されない。
So she counts the things, "one, one, one,,," . I tried to teach her "one, two" but she never reacted it. ボタンも石も、「いっこ、いっこ、いっこ」と永遠に数え続ける。私が、「1こ、2こ」とさりげなく教えても、まったく取り入れようとしない。
She jumped up to "A lot" after repeating "one." She looks happy about her discovery. そのうち、1こをくり返して数がたまると、「いっぱい」とうれしそうに言うようになった。
Then she poured them into another container and said, "empty." Maybe kids learn concept of numbers in orders. さらに、それを他に移して、「からっぽ」とも言う。数の概念って、順番じゃないのね。きっと。
The time when I saw Nanoka met the number for the first time was she held up one finger to answer, "how old are you?" It was 1 and 5th month old and she just acted as others taught her. Probably she understood there were other ages since she did same things when I talked about other kid's age(3 years old).
Crow can count up to 4. How does a child gain the number? I curiously observed Nanoka.
First she started to say, "one". She hold the thing(button, stone or cookie) and said "one". Parents always says "only one" or "one by one" to them, so it is easy for kids to start to say that. Nanoka then count the staff, "one, one, one, one,,," forever. It never goes "two." I said that she must have respected the uniqueness of each one and husband smiled grimly. I taught her,"one and one then two" but she did not react it.
Soon, she started to say "A lot" after counting "one, one, one,,,," She seemed to be happy about "amount" after "one" piled up. Then she poured everything into another container and showed me the first container to say, "empty." It seemed to be that she understood the concept of "none" now.
The concept of numbers are not gained by orders. It is more philosophical discovery for the kids, maybe.


Oppai Ippai(Lots of Boobs) おっぱい いっぱい

Kids loves boobs so much. Nanoka is a big fan who wore headband telling "Love Boobs" type. I once thought about quitting but gave up since she had to start the school-I hear that too much stress at the same time was not good for the baby. Now she could gain all the nutrition from food and breast milk means "skinship" "hobby" for her. She grown up and even negotiates with me about it. Maybe it is too late to quit,,,

This week Nanoka sucked breast before going home at the hallway of the school.今週、ナノカは、帰宅前に、保育園の廊下で、おっぱいを飲むようになってしまった。周りの子供たちが、「まだ、飲んどらすと?」と聞いてくるが、お構いなしだ。
She gave my boobs special treatment. She only washed my boobs in the bath and she put cream only my boobs. 大好きなおっぱいは、特別待遇だ。お風呂に入れば、「おっぱいだけ」洗ってくれるし、お風呂上がりには、「おっぱいだけ」クリームを塗ってくれる。
She put her hand into my sweater and search for boobs and found them to say "Here!" 外出時に抱っこしていると、服の中に手を突っ込んできて、おっぱいを探り、「あった!」と言う。なんか男子高校生みたいに、おっぱいネタばっかり、、、
On the other day, she touched right one and left one and giggled to say, "Oppai Ippai" meaning Lots of Boobs. Sounds like her first joke. It was boobs joke...そして、先日、右のおっぱい、左のおっぱい、と触ると、「おっぱい、いっぱい」と、にやーっとしながら言った。え、初ギャグですか?やっぱり、おっぱいネタなのね、、、


Rika-chan doll リカちゃん人形

I only had secondhand of secondhand Rika-chan doll. I envied other girl's new dolls. 私は子供時代、お古のお古のリカちゃん人形しか持っていなかった。
I wanted new set of dress for the doll. My mom made suit dress from pieces of clothings instead of buying.新しいお洋服が欲しいなあ、と思ったが、人形の服は案外高く、下手をすると人間の服に近い値段ぐらいしてしまい、買ってもらえる望みもない。あきらめていると、ある日、母が、端切れから、ツーピースを作ってくれた。
Then I started to saw dress for the doll by myself before going to the elementary school. そこから、私自身も、端切れで、服を作ったり、空き箱でドールハウスを作ったりするようになった。物がないと、工夫もするし、そこから創造も生まれる、という面もあるんだろう。
Nanoka started to show her interest in dolls, already,,,ナノカも、そろそろ、お人形デビューみたいです、、、
ナノカは、オシャレが好きで、 かわいいものが好きで、お人形も好きだ。だから、リカちゃんは欲しがったら、1体、買ってあげようと思う。そこから先は、一緒に服を手作りできたらな、と思う。それが、今の時点での、方針。でも、ご本人さまの性格や、気持ちもあるので、どうなるかな?
On Sunday, at the shopping center, Nanoka stopped at the Rika-chan doll shelf. (Rika-chan is Japanese girl's play doll like Barbie.)She never played with it, but she was so interested. The time has come,,,
Almost all the girls went through the doll play. I wanted one, but I only had secondhand of second hand Rika-chan doll in one dress.My mom believed that she did not need to buy toys(Also we were run out of money by house loan) and I felt sad, but never told them that I want one. It was bitter memories of mine. So I saw Nanoka's holding doll and felt I should buy one.
At the same time I had memory of good time. My mom made the dress for this old Rika-chan doll from the remain of clothing-her father(my grandpa) was good Tailor and families knew how to make the dress. It was suit dress exact shape of human one in a doll size-with collar and very tight. I actually wanted frilled dress, but still happy about it. Then I noticed that I could make it if I wanted one. Soon I learn how to use needle and thread and started to make the dress. This experience lead me to the joy of making something.
Now the world is more materialistic and the things are full in the every day life. It is so easy to buy anything(many times it is cheaper than making). It is rather difficult to limit the number of the thing around us. Then kids lost opportunities to feel "desire to get one" and "need to think out how to get one". Then parents need to decide "which one they will buy and which one they won't". Right now, I am thinking buying one doll in a dress and we make the dress together. I do not know if it works out since it depends on Nanoka's emotion.


Tea cup bag お茶コップ袋

Nanoka's tea cup bag for the school. お茶のコップ入れ。
 We need so much bags for the nursery school. I was asked to prepare tea cup bag. Nanoka chose orange cup and she was excited to use it. I made the bag for that. It was same cat as lunch bag but appliqued it. She found it when she came back home and happy about it. I am glad she liked it.


socks くちた(くつした)

Nanoka is now into socks. Compared with trousers, which she put two legs into one hole and had difficult time to pull up to the hip, it is easier to wear by herself and she succeed to wear them right-heel part on heel, toe part on toe once a twice.ナノカは、最近、くちた(靴下)に夢中である。同じ穴に2個足が入ったり、お尻を通過させるのが難しいズボンに比べて、自分でなんとか履く事ができるし、2回に1回ぐらいの確率で、かかとの位置もうまく入ったりする。達成感があるのだろう。
She repeated to take off, pull new pairs and wear all day long. I found socks everywhere in the room. しかし、一日中、靴下を脱いでは、新しいのを出してきて、履く事をくり返している。あちこちに靴下が落ちていて、まったく迷惑である。
She surely takes her socks off before going bed even she was so sleepy. But she wants to wear socks after taking bath even she would soon go to bed. Very stubborn,,,おふとんに入る時は、どんなに眠くても、きちんと靴下を脱ぐ、結構、細かい性格なのだが、お風呂上がりには、パジャマや下着より先に、靴下を持ってくる。「もうすぐ寝るから、靴下いらないよ」と言っても、聞かない。めんどうだなあ、、、
Yesterday she even brought my socks. I thought she did troublesome, but actually I felt happy when she put them onto my feet. She has grown up to feel taking care of others! 昨日は、とうとう私の靴下まで持ってきた。「いらないよ〜」と思ったけど、履かせてくれるのを見てるうちに、「人のお世話もしたくなるほど、大きくなったんだなあ」と、しみじみして、うれしかった。


Learn by watching 見て学ぶ

At the nursery school, there are chairwoman(great grandma), President(grandma) and vice president(father) from owner family. 保育園には、理事長、園長、副園長という3世代がいる。理事長先生は、かなりのお年だと思われる。
Chairwoman must be very old with bent chest, but she sometimes took care of babies at Nanoka's class. I saw that Nanoka was asked to get her socks on and followed her.そんな理事長先生が、たまにあお組(0〜1歳児)の教室で、赤ちゃんの世話を手伝っている。先日、「あちらで靴下履いてきましょうか」と誘われると、ナノカはパーッとついて行っていた。ふーん、懐いてるんだな。
At the PTA, Nanoka got bored and started to cry. Chairwoman invited her to play with stamp and she stopped crying and played with her. 父母会の日も、ナノカが退屈して、ぐずり始めたが、理事長先生が誘うと、くっついて、スタンプで遊び始めた。
At the end of meeting, Nanoka started to cry again. I held her up and said, "sleepy, huh?"The chairwoman suggested me to wash her hands to show her stamp was not removable. I washed and Nanoka stopped crying. She was right! Nanoka said, "Grandma said so" Grandma meant chairwoman,,,for Nanoka, she was sensible old woman.父母会も終わり頃、ナノカがまた、泣き出した。「もう、眠いね」と抱き上げると、理事長先生が「スタンプが指についたのを気にしてるから、手を洗って、取れないのを見せてあげるといいですよ」と言う。手を洗うと、泣きやんだ。さすが!するとナノカが「ばあちゃん、いった」と言う。ばあちゃんって、理事長先生の事ね、、、ナノカには、「わかってる、ばあちゃん」て存在なんだね。
On Saturday, there was PTA meeting of the nursery school. I heard their educational policy for the first time and very moved how thoughtful to the kids. It was Montessori School. The tools were well prepared and kids were in the circumstances where they could learn to be independent naturally. They said, kids learn the things by watching not by being taught.
It means that if parents do not practice daily, there is no chance for kids to learn. Nanoka won't play the guitar since we both do not. There is limit of our abilities and it will be also Nanoka's limit. I hope that she will learn by herself in the future, but right now we should not limit her possibilities.
I will find difficulty to teach Nanoka science or maths at the very early stage. But right now I still can share the interests with her. It is simple curiosity to the daily things. If I just cooked frozen food, it would have been just one dish, but it became one experience by cooking with hands. We can learn so many things by visiting fish market rather than buying cutlet at the supermarket-it leads to interest to nutritional science, biology, geography, ecology, sociology and economy(too much?). Being with kids give us chance to be excited to various studies. I should enjoy it.


New School Year starts 新年度おめでとう

Science class about born-from MMJ spring issue 2013 科学の授業(MMJ 2013年春号より)
This is the day when the new school year starts in Japan. Nanoka will meet new babies in her class. Almost three months passed after she started her nursery school and now she could get used to it. 
Right after she started the school, I was a little at lost how to use my hours for my work. I forgot how to work, how to use my brain even I worked as side of taking care of Nanoka before that. My brain works as a mother all the time and system of the life was totally different. Little by little I remembered the way to work and do art. Then I found the time flew so fast every day. It is just so different from the days before Nanoka's birth.
But even though I got the limited time and limited freedom, I got motivation more than before. Even the view of the world has changed. My voice used to be, "I think" but now "a girl think", well, I do not know if it is good or not, but anyway, I am just excited to myself, my life, and my new voice.
Spring has come and flowers came out and butterflies appear. Nanoka met them for the first time(last year, she could not recognise them) and showed her move each time. It made me feel I met those for the first time. I had been met them every spring for 30 something years and they were nothing new anymore recent year. How great to have new view since I got again meeting so many things for the first time! This spring will be my entering time to new view and new work.